Resilient relationships - whether in friendships, intimate partnerships or families - are not about perfection or only positivity.
The ruptures within ourselves and our relationships are precisely what our nervous system needs to build a repertoire of strategies that make it stronger.
We don’t need to teach children that we are perfect. Or that we expect them to be perfectly behaved and regulated. By navigating our own wounds and distress, and sticking with others through ups and downs, we become a model of a resilient system.
In fact, when a partner, parent or leader is a true model of resilience for others, it is because they demonstrate that they can fall and then come back. If we can still allow ourselves to have difficult emotions and acknowledge when we feel challenged, it helps us know that we have the tools to navigate many terrains, and serve as a model for others because we can show what it looks like to course-correct.
We let them see that even with our imperfections, we persevere and continue to grow and evolve.
If a model is always 'perfect', they are not able to demonstrate how to get back up after a fall, since they have never 'fallen'. A resilient system is designed to withstand challenge and adapt. Smooth sailing with no obstacles never actually tests a system, a person or a relationship. Getting through trials and errors creates a track record of trust and reliability within that system.
We create a template that stress, discomfort and uncertainty, starts and stops, ups and downs can be endured and conquered. We model that interactions are reparable. This helps our own system create a secure internal working model that we are effective agents in moving to a more comfortable state after a disruption, disconnection or distance. And creating an internal model helps others know they can do the same.
“Let's face it, the universe is messy.
It is nonlinear, turbulent, and chaotic. It is dynamic.
It spends its time in transient behavior on its way to somewhere else,
not in mathematically neat equilibria.
It self-organizes and evolves.
It creates diversity, not uniformity.
That's what makes the world interesting,
that's what makes it beautiful, and that's what makes it work.”
― Thinking in Systems: A Primer
