Every season has its benefits… seasons of the earth and the seasons of our life. The winter (at least where i’m from) leads to sense of quieting, deadening, retreating… but it’s not wasted time... it's meant to prepare for the growth of spring.
As I prepare for my next chapter, it’s bringing up a lot of reflection for me as to what feels aligned for the next seasons of life to be... how i truly want to live life. It’s funny - I used to want to live in a big city and have a high powered career. That is not appealing to me at all anymore. Many people are surprised to hear this from me. As i put out ideas of doing a retreat and some people approached me about it, and I'm also getting offers for other opportunities, for some reason a feeling of sadness emerged. This feeling seems tied to three aspects (I'm sure there are more, but this is what has come up so far):
On the one one hand, i can picture myself enjoying speaking and engaging with groups. But I realized that I left out something important... which is that that I don't want to do it alone anymore. I used to. I used to want to run my own show. I've been an introvert and lone wolf my whole life. But the deepest truth is that i want to share this journey with someone - and not just anyone, but my partner, my life-partner. The person who gets how I think and who aligns with the same constellation of stars I use as my guidance.
The other theme that's emerging is that as I continuously get more requests from companies to do consulting (which i feel grateful that I have opportunities to choose from), what also feels like is occurring is that i have my energy flowing in too many directions- and towards other people’s north stars, and not towards mine. If i really cut away all of the more ego-driven aspects, the truth is i want to spend my days using my energy towards nurturing and building a partnership, family and community who speak a similar language as me... people devoted to growth and healing. What feels more appealing to me is using my voice, my presence - to be a simple source of healing and love and nurturance. While i still want to teach others and share my thoughts - it feels like i am trying to find a completely new way to live.
A third aspect of clarity is that I also want to be off of technology as much as I can. I still love writing and creating content, but I want to limit how much person-engagement happens online. The clarity I have now is that what I'm doing is too scattered… taking on projects for other companies feels like it draws my energy away from how it could be used if it was more focused on a more streamlined mission. And it's all for things that only happen online, and it's not part of the vision I have for a partner-based mission. And that’s where I feel I'm in a winter phase of not knowing exactly what I will do just yet. But grateful that clarity is emerging. Going to Calgary for a couple of months (and then Montana after that) is one piece to help me get out of the extremely high cost of living of Seattle. But the next phase is one where what's most important to me is channeling my energy towards a life that feels really right for me.
Writing and putting stuff out there is a way for me to keep getting clarity...
'so it be thought, so it be said, so it be written, so it be done'.