Many of us have heard, or said, the words “calm down”. We use it as a way to try to help someone who is dysregulated.
But lets take a look at what "calm down" actually asks of the brain.
To follow that command, a person has to process your words, weigh them, and then override a strong impulse.
That job belongs to the brain's executive and language systems...the very systems that are less accessible to us during moments of threat.
Sometimes, that instruction doesn’t register, doesn’t change anything.
Sometimes it even becomes another signal that says:
"You're too much right now."
The nervous system responds to signals that are older than language.
Micro-signals.
Frequencies.
Vibrations.
Tone.
Pacing.
Facial expression.
Breathing.
Movement.
Before people can hear what we're saying, their nervous system is already deciding whether it's safe enough to stay open.
Attuned nervous systems- leaders, professionals, parents, partners, coaches - notice something other people might miss.
They recognize the moment another nervous system begins reaching for co-regulation.
When they're able to meet those signals, the interaction can become something both people need.
Sometimes before a single word piece of advice is given.
Reflection
- Bring to mind a moment when someone told you to calm down.
- Where in your body do you remember a sensation, or what was a thought that came to mind “(eg., don’t tell me to calm down!!).
- Notice the words that come up or the sensations of movements possibly in your facial muscles, hands, posture.
- What might have opened up if there had been space to trust what your nervous system was asking for?
Noticing this in yourself is a powerful way to improve our attunement to what other systems might be signaling.
Wishing you a week of connection before correction,
Stefanie
P.S. This lesson comes straight from Module 1, The Biology, inside Teach the Nervous System. It's the foundation the other eight modules build on: how to read what a survival system is signaling, and how to respond in ways that actually reach it.
Once you begin seeing the nervous system this way, it's difficult to go back to seeing human behavior the same way again.
My hope is that it helps more of us recognize the deep, embodied and ancient intelligence already present in the people we serve - and in ourselves.
$44. 9 Modules. The framework that has landed in rooms at MIT, Stanford, Google and UCSD School of Medicine.
