The seduction of certainty.
There's something comforting about knowing exactly how we feel. I love this. I hate that. This person is good. That situation is bad. I'm right about this.
Certainty feels clean. Efficient. It gives us a clear path forward and protects us from the discomfort of ambiguity.
But here's what's worth considering: that rock-solid opinion, that unwavering like or dislike, that absolute conviction about a person, situation, or idea—it may not be the sign of clarity we think it is.
When we collapse into rigid certainty, we often shut down neural circuitry that's trying to offer us more nuanced information. We stop taking in new data. We stop noticing the parts that don't fit our tidy conclusion. In essence, we trade sophisticated processing for something faster and simpler—and we lose something important in the exchange.
The Gift of Mixed Feelings
Have you ever felt excited about a new beginning while mourning what you're leaving behind? Excited about leveling up, while feeling doubtful that you can handle the increased expectations?
If so, your nervous system is working exactly as it should.
Research in affective neuroscience confirms what many of us sense intuitively: life is full of messy feelings - when it's hard to communicate how we feel (Berrios, 2019).… Excited and sad about saying goodbye to friends and colleagues when we’re moving on to a new job or venture… wanting a loved one to succeed and feeling tinges of worry about what it will be like when they venture forth more fully onto their own path...
Our outer and inner world rarely operates in simple either/or categories. As humans, we experience a huge variety of nuanced and sometimes conflicting emotions (Izard, 2010). Sometimes we might think we’d rather just feel one way and this would help us deal with whatever is coming up.
What might help us to know is that the capacity for mixed-feelings actually represents sophisticated neural processing, not confusion.
Mixed feelings are a developmental achievement.
Young brains tend to experience the world in simpler terms—something is good or bad, a person is nice or mean, an experience is fun or not fun. Emotions based on comparisons and complexity are acquired later in child development. (Bourgeois & Hess, 2008; Larsen et al., 2004). YThe ability to hold multiple, seemingly contradictory feelings simultaneously emerges as the brain matures, building the neural architecture for more complex reasoning and perspective-taking.
According to the theory of dynamic integration, acknowledging both positive and negative affective aspects of a situation reflects the ability to view issues from multiple perspectives, to tolerate complex and conflicting feelings, and to engage in more sophisticated, dialectical reasoning (Labouvie-Vief, 2003; Grühn et al., 2013).
This means that when we feel certain—when we've landed on a definitive opinion with no room for nuance—we may actually be reverting to a more immature mode of processing. Not because we're flawed, but because certainty is easier. It requires less cognitive and emotional resources. It feels more stable.
But what we consider ‘stability’ isn't always wisdom.
Certainty can be a limitation.
When we feel absolutely certain that we like or dislike something—when our opinion feels rock-solid with no room for nuance—it might be worth pausing. That rigid certainty could indicate we've collapsed into a more rudimentary state of processing, one that protects us from complexity but also limits our access to useful information.
Certainty closes the loop. It tells our brain: This is resolved. No more information needed. And our pattern recognition systems oblige—they start filtering out anything that might complicate the picture. We become less open to feedback, less curious about other perspectives, less able to adapt when circumstances change.
Our brains are experience-dependent, complex adaptive systems. Through pattern recognition, we can acknowledge what is and isn't giving us the results we desire—but only if we're willing to notice the full range of signals our bodies and minds are sending us.
The practice: Befriend your ambivalence.
This isn't about forcing yourself to feel differently or trying to ‘create complexity’ where there isn’t any. It’s wonderful to have those things that feel certain to you. This is about being open to developing a willingness to notice granularity and variability in how you feel—and allowing that complexity to simply exist as information.
We can do this as a service to humanity. The more of us who can model an ability to hold mixed feelings - and still function, and have values - the more we are giving others a chance to entertain complexity and nuance. The more of us engaging in this, the less polarized we have a chance of becoming.
Expanding out of either/or thinking means we have a chance of finding a Third Way.. Another Path that we haven’t thought of before. We can’t get there when we only see a ‘this-or-that’ option.
We can use moments where we're bombarded with expectations about how we “should” feel to connect with a wider spectrum of feelings and thoughts—and recognize how these signals and fluctuations are a sign of MATURITY and COMPLEXITY - not weakness.
They are not to be ignored or suppressed. They are cues that signal for adjustments in what we focus on, what we deem important, and what we can use as information for caring for ourselves and others.
It can feel like "too much work" to allow for nuance. Our minds crave the simplicity of yes or no, good or bad, right or wrong. But that type of complexity actually opens us to more data and inputs—the kind that can genuinely serve us in creating the experiences and relationships we want.
A different kind of strength.
The next time you notice conflicting feelings arising, consider it a sign that your nervous system is doing something sophisticated.
Honor that intelligence. Let those messy, complicated feelings inform your wisdom rather than rush to resolve it into something simpler.
And the next time you feel absolutely certain about something—especially a strong like or dislike, a firm opinion, a definitive judgment—get curious. Ask yourself: What might I be missing? What am I no longer open to learning?
Mixed feelings aren't weakness. They are a mark of a brain that's still growing, still taking in information, still capable of being changed by what it encounters.
Your feelings are allowed to be messy. Your opinions are allowed to have multiple textures and flavors. That's where sophisticated neural architecture - and wisdom—lives.
Complexity, systems thinking and how we clarify our purpose through our work as leaders, coaches and guides is our topic for the final module of the 2025 Super Regulators Neuroscience Academy! An amazing cohort of over 50 people from around the world has been gathering together over the past few weeks to learn about super-regulation and how their intuitive wisdom is supported by science. These leaders are integrating neuroscience more fully into their work and messaging, to help them create coherent, cohesive and marketable frameworks and content for sharing their expertise. I'm so excited about the new program starting in 2026! (Learn more here to get updates and free tools)
References
Berrios, R. (2019). What is complex/emotional about emotional complexity? Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 1606. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.01606
Bourgeois, P., & Hess, U. (2008). The impact of social context on mimicry. Biological Psychology, 77(3), 343-352.
Charles, S. T., Piazza, J. R., & Urban, E. J. (2017). Mixed Emotions Across Adulthood: When, Where, and Why?. Current opinion in behavioral sciences, 15, 58–61. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cobeha.2017.05.007
Faye, S. (2025). Neuroscience of self-regulation: 5 ways to master your nervous system. stefaniefaye.com. https://stefaniefaye.com/articles/neuroscience-of-self-regulation-5-ways-to-master-your-nervous-system/
Grühn, D., Lumley, M. A., Diehl, M., & Labouvie-Vief, G. (2013). Time-based indicators of emotional complexity: Interrelations and correlates. Emotion, 13(2), 226-237.
Izard, C. E. (2010). The many meanings/aspects of emotion: Definitions, functions, activation, and regulation. Emotion Review, 2(4), 363-370.
Labouvie-Vief, G. (2003). Dynamic integration: Affect, cognition, and the self in adulthood. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 12(6), 201-206.
Larsen, J. T., McGraw, A. P., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2004). Can people feel happy and sad at the same time? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81(4), 684-696.
Livet P. (2010). Rational choice, neuroeconomy and mixed emotions. Philosophical transactions of the Royal Society of London. Series B, Biological sciences, 365(1538), 259–269. https://doi.org/10.1098/rstb.2009.0177
