The Myth of “Acceptable Feelings” (and the science to debunk it)

There’s a story we’ve been told about emotional regulation that doesn't quite match reality.

Somewhere along the way, the narrative became about finding the technique—the breathing pattern, the grounding exercise, the magic formula that would keep us cool, calm, and collected no matter what life throws at us. 

We've been taught to see regulation as something it's NOT: a destination... that ideal state of composure we can attain where nothing from that point on will rattle us.

Real nervous system regulation isn't about following a specific script every time or achieving some perpetual state of serenity. It's about something far more dynamic, far more alive. 

Beyond the Myth of Constant Calm

Think about a musician. Their mastery isn't measured by how well they can play one note perfectly. It's measured by their range—how many notes they can access, how fluidly they can move between them, how sensitively they can respond to the music unfolding in real time.

Your nervous system works the same way.

Emotional regulation isn't about maintaining a narrow band of "acceptable" feelings. It's about developing the capacity to move through a wide spectrum of states with fluidity and responsiveness. It's about openness to live, raw data and the adaptability to work with what's actually happening—not what you wish was happening or what you predicted would happen.

What is Vibrational Availability?

Vibrational availability is a term I use to describe the ability to attune to present-moment, live data that helps us be more accurate to what's actually unfolding right now. It's about staying open to learning from the micro-fluctuations and micro-signals happening in our body-brain system, rather than narrowing our focus onto what we already predict will happen.

 

 

Your body is constantly generating signals—vibrational patterns, fluctuations in tone, shifts in energy, changes in temperature, alterations in breath. 

These aren't random. They're intelligence. 

They're your brain-body system's language to tell you what it's detecting in your environment and what might need to shift.

But here's the catch: these signals often make us uncomfortable.

They show up as:

• embarrassment when we say the wrong thing
• anxiety before an important conversation
• total demotivation when we face a challenge we're not sure we can handle
• hopelessness when things don't go according to plan.

Most of us have been conditioned to override these signals, to push through them, to make them go away as quickly as possible.

 

These uncomfortable sensations are actually prediction errors—

They are your brain's way of saying, "Hey, what I expected to happen isn't matching what's actually happening. I need more data!"

Prediction errors create spikes in brain-body activity. They are pattern-and prediction-interrupters.   And they usually spark a feeling of what we would call 'discomfort'.

 

What if discomfort itself is intelligence?

This changes everything about how we approach regulation. In the next article, we'll explore how to work with this intelligence instead of against it.

We'll explore what I call "vibrational availability"—the capacity to attune to the live data your body-brain system is generating right now, and how to use tiny, responsive iterations to expand your nervous system's range.

Until then, try this: Notice the next time you feel uncomfortable. Before you reach for your usual regulation strategy, just pause and ask yourself: What might this sensation be trying to tell me?