"Emotions and the feelings are not a luxury, they are a means of communicating our states of mind to others. But they are also a way of guiding our own judgments and decisions. Emotions bring the body into the loop of reason."
– Antonio R. Damasio, Descartes' Error: Emotion, Reason and the Human Brain
Every moment, every interaction we have with ourselves and others is an opportunity to master our nervous system.
We can do this because our brain circuitry gives us the ability to learn it.
And one of the first steps in mastering our nervous system is becoming a safe harbor to ourselves.
WHY THIS CAN BE HARDER FOR SOME OF US
Human children are not born with the capacity to self-regulate.
That capacity develops through attuned, responsive caregivers who nurture the developing brain through co-regulation.
Because our earliest conditions are not always in our control, learning to regulate in adaptive ways comes harder for some of us than for others.
And for many of us, the hardest place to feel safe is inside our own mind.
WHAT IS YOUR SELF-TALK?
What do you say about yourself when you compare yourself to others on social media?
When you look in the mirror?
When you lie in bed at night?
For many of us, that inner voice is harsher than anything we would say to another human being.
YOUR THOUGHTS ARE FIRING PATTERNS
Thoughts and inner dialogue are neural circuits sending electrochemical pulses.
Fleeting firing patterns that come and go.
And you, as a human, have the ability to inhibit certain firing patterns and activate other ones.
It can be difficult and challenging... AND… it can be learned.
Like any learning, it requires repetition.
Every time you notice your self-talk and choose a different signal, you are practicing.
RANGE, NOT CALM
Becoming a safe harbor to yourself does not mean forcing yourself into calm.
A harbor is a place where every kind of weather is allowed to arrive... and can be weathered.
Emotion regulation is about range and repertoire.
The ability to intentionally shift into a state that feels better.
If you feel isolated, that might mean more connection.
If you feel over-stimulated, that might mean something calmer.
And when you can offer that steadiness to yourself, you become a model of it for everyone your nervous system interacts with.
A reflection for this weekend:
tonight, as you lie in bed, or during the day, in an in-between-busyness-moment.. notice your self-talk*. If it turns harsh, see if you can shift one sentence of it, or alternatively, shift one body part (fingers, toes, hands, feet posture, eyes, forehead muscles)… ... the way you would for someone you love.
*Your first embodied indication of going into brain activity related to rumination or self-talk is with your eyes and facial muscles.
If they’re fully engaged with the outside world, they look different (and you can feel the difference) than when you are sinking into your internal world and thoughts. You can start with only that type of noticing, and create a facial or eye shift - without even wondering about your own thoughts. That moment of embodied awareness and shift is part of inhibitory, suppress-and-shift activity, which can be helpful for regulating our state.
Wishing you a nervous system that feels like a safe harbor,
Stefanie
P.S. Self-regulation is a deep passion of mine, and I believe it has the capacity to change society for the better. So I created a micro-course on how to teach emotion regulation so even skeptics use it... without it getting dismissed as "feelings work."
This course will help you, as a coach, practitioner, or change agent, give you:
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An exploration tool, for you and the people you serve The map works in both directions. Use it to get curious about your own states first, then bring that same curiosity into your sessions. It gives you and your clients a shared vocabulary for territory that usually stays vague.
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