An aha I had many years ago as I worked with brain waves and heart rate variability in an intensive outpatient clinic...
... was that many people were arriving with an idea that there was some state they were supposed to achieve in order to be considered "regulated."
And that state was "calm."
What we see in research*, however, is that the individuals who are considered to be the most resilient are often the people whose self-regulating strategies are the hardest to predict.
*e.g. Bonnano’s work on regulatory flexibility
Why?
Because their strategy is dynamic - constantly changing depending on the context.
Context can mean:
the person we're interacting with,
the actual event or situation,
and also the internal environment we are experiencing at a given moment.
Many patients coming to us did not need to "calm down."
They were in a state of resignation, depression, hopelessness.
Their brainwaves, heart rhythms, facial and eye movements, and self-report all reflected what we could call hypo-arousal. Not enough movement, or energy, or mobilization.
They didn't necessarily need more calm... they needed to feel more alive, passionate, curious, energized.
(Another profile also came up where people did need more calm. They were in a hyper-aroused state more often - I'll write about that in a future post.)
Self-Regulation isn't about one specific destination.
It's about an ability to shift at will.
To use energy appropriately and adequately depending on each situation, whether it's a threat or an opportunity, or something not worth using energy on.
In my observations, I find that regulation often gets taught as some sort of ideal state of composure.
And that there's an ideal place where nothing from that point on rattles you.
But what I know from neurophysiological measurements and nervous system research is that:
it's about range, repertoire and constant micro-adaptations.
When you feel a way you don't want to feel, your brain-body system is generating data in the form of fluctuations and vibrational patterns.
They are signals to explore.
They are "vibrational signatures," and they are offering you INFORMATION.
They are your brain-body's language for telling you about what you could iterate and experiment with in that moment.
And there is no golden ticket, one-size-fits-all answer to that question.
❤️ Sometimes the iteration that creates more flexibility looks like saying something vulnerable or brave.
😅 Sometimes it looks like offering kindness or humor.
⏸️ Sometimes it looks like taking a breath and giving space instead of saying anything at all.
Not a golden ticket formula that works every time, for every person, across every context.
There's just a micro-adjustment,
and then staying open to the feedback that comes back.
Then adjusting, continuing, enhancing, or switching your next move based on what you get.
That's true nervous system regulation (it's about range, repertoire and responsiveness, more than "calm").
Wishing you range and responsiveness this week,
Stefanie
There's an infinite spectrum of internal states, but many teachings offer categories. Those can absolutely be helpful as a starting point, but they can truly limit us when we want to understand ourselves as adaptive, complex, vibrational beings
.
When we only have language for 6 categories, or 4 types of states (example: dorsal/ventral, fight/flight/freeze/fawn, hyper/hypo), it can make it harder to:
a) recognize patterns and
b) be truly attuned and responsive to the signals that are happening, because we're trying to fit them into a category.
Teach the Nervous System is where I break down how to read our nervous system as vibrational patterns and signatures... the states that we might experience that seem to not fit into the ones we have names for.
Also- I'm still uploading and editing, but I'm in the process of adding a short video on the myth of compassion fatigue to the course (it's a recording from a live Q&A session I had earlier this year).
For those of you who are already enrolled in Teach the Nervous System (or are thinking about it!), it should be in there by this Friday, so make sure to check it out!
Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612.
