I've been writing a lot about mindset lately.. about what a person believes regarding their own capacity to change, and how much that shapes whether anything we offer them takes hold.
I'll be talking a bit more about mindset tomorrow and how it relates to nervous system regulation.
But first let's explore a core idea of what I've observed (and what research aligns with) over the past 20 years:
Every word we speak, every strategy or idea we're trying to share.. is being received by a nervous system with a history and experiencing a particular state.
If that system is hyper-aroused: This is experienced as racing, defended, scanning for what's wrong or what they might have to defend against, how they're being criticized, controlled, asked to change.
In that state, the circuitry needed for learning something new and staying open to something unfamiliar is less accessible. The brain-body has prioritized self-protection over openness.
If it's hypo-aroused. This can be experienced as flat, resigned, collapsed. In that state, they may not have the systems available to hold a new idea long enough to do anything with it..
Either way, you might be offering an amazing strategy that will totally help them if they could receive it.. but you're offering it to a system that can't really register or integrate your ideas in that moment.
So here's a small thing to try:
Before you offer someone a suggestion, a strategy, feedback, take three seconds to tune into your state first. Your breath. Your forehead, eyes (where they are moving to and from, the muscles around them). Your shoulders, posture, pace of speech (or texting).
Then ask yourself one question:
am I transmitting signal that will help this system receive what I'm saying?
And explore this idea for the person on the other end:
is this a system that can receive right now?
If the answer is no..
...the most useful thing you can do is to simply notice your state, stay open to it, and then see what emerges as your most next useful move or adjustment.
- It might be to just release and breathe,
- sit back,
- let go (even just temporarily)...
...before reaching for the next thing to say or do.
Or it might be something playful, or movement oriented, such as shifting your own posture, facial muscles, pace.
Because we are Vibrational Beings*.
Your nervous system is ALWAYS in the room (and on the other side of that screen or text bubble) too.
It's broadcasting the whole time, whether or not you meant it to.
Tomorrow we'll explore how a regulated state can open the door to receiving an idea, tool, or strategy .. but something else has a powerufl influence on what is happening before the interaction even happens (and also influences how the brain processes that idea or rejects it)
Wishing you ease and openness with your own system and with others...
Stefanie
P.S. Learning to read and shift nervous system states, in yourself and in the people you work with - is exactly what Teach the Nervous System was built to give you.
It's the most-used thing I've ever made, and it's the piece people from all over the world are telling me is changing how their sessions and interactions with others unfold. Universities and colleges are also using it to present ideas on Self Regulation during their fall semester!
*We are vibrational beings is Module 4 of Teach the Nervous System
References and further reading:
Arnsten, A. F. T. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648
Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612.
Feldman, R. (2017). The neurobiology of human attachments. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 21(2), 80–99. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.tics.2016.11.007
Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect dysregulation and disorders of the self. W. W. Norton & Company.
Vogel, S., & Schwabe, L. (2016). Learning and memory under stress: Implications for the classroom. npj Science of Learning, 1, 16011. https://doi.org/10.1038/npjscilearn.2016.11
